How not to cook a lobster

1. Do not decide, at the ass end of a Saturday night, to just buy lobster from "any old supermarket," and especially not one that has sold you bad crab before. (Not bad as in, not good, but bad as in, poisonous.)

2. Do not buy a frozen lobster tail, especially when it takes not one but two employees and 10 minutes to locate it in a block of ice in the nether regions of the supermarket's walk-in freezer.

3. Do not believe the employee when he tells you that 15 minutes of running water is enough to thaw the frozen lobster tail.

4. Do not time it so that every other part of the meal will be ready when the thawing is done. You see, unlike crab, lobster is frozen raw. R-A-W, folks. Raw. (Do not feel stupid that you thought it was cooked. Crab is sold in the shell, frozen and cooked. And you have never bought frozen lobster before, so do not beat yourself up about it.)

5. Do not have a really big fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend when the one of you who is "cooking" (e.g. cutting up heirloom tomatoes and burrata cheese, which will soon be pointed out is not really cooking) realizes that there is a problem with the "cooked lobster." Do not accuse the one of you who is sitting on the couch surfing the internet -- and having a blast -- of not telling you, on purpose, that the lobster tail was raw. He/she probably only realized it when he/she looked at it. (Yeah, right.)

6. Do not dissolve into a fit of crying over the fifty f***ing dollars you have spent on dinner, only to find yourselves starving and nowhere close to dinner 2 hours later. Do not put the polenta fries back into the oven to warm for another 30 minutes. (Do eat them. Might as well. It might just be the only thing you eat all night that actually tastes good.)

7. Do not cut the lobster out of the shell with dull scissors and, in the process, cut your hand until it BLEEDS, people, BLEEDS, from the spiny lobster shell.

8. Do not then debate the merits of boiling the lobster tail without the shell v. throwing it in the garbage and eating some king crab legs that you have instead v. broiling the lobster tail since it's already out of the fucking shell. Just make a decision and stick with it.

9. Do not argue over how long it takes to cook lobster. Do not run into the bathroom and sit there, sobbing, while your boyfriend/girlfriend figures it out. In between sobs, do not shriek that you are deleting your food blog and never cooking anything again. (Do pick up the phone and call Domino's.)

10. Do not overfill the pot of boiling water so that it overflows onto the stovetop, dousing said stovetop -- which has just been meticulously cleaned the day before -- with sticky, fishy, nasty water.

11. When the lobster tail is finally done, do not get your hopes up, not ONE LITTLE BIT, that it is actually going to taste like anything but rubber.

12. Do not take a delicious bite of creamy burrata cheese and ripe red tomato drizzled with orange-infused olive oil and feel a sense of pride for the way the homemade, citrusy olive oil offsets the cheese and tomato perfectly. Do not engage in this act of hubris, for as the ancients knew, pride goeth before a fall. Imagine what it goeth before when all this other shit has already gone down.

13. Do not force yourself to take several bites of the rubber I MEAN lobster before tossing it in the trash.

14. Do not get your hopes up again and say, oh well, let's just enjoy the cheese and tomatoes and king crab legs. Oh no. For the crab legs are inexplicably, horrifically salty. Do not act surprised or take more than one bite of those.

15. Do not wish you could turn back time and have fresh salsa and tequila for dinner instead. It is too late.

And finally, folks...

16. Do go get soused on the rest of the wine.

17. Do fish out the receipt for the lobster and king crab legs and plan to rain down a world of pain on the fishmonger the next day.

Comments

[Mom]

I was in hysterics reading this!!! Sorry about that, but you were so vivid in your description that I just lost it! Fie on the fishmonger!!

[sam]

some people apparently think I am weird for it, but I highly recommend a lovely in-season, perfectly-ripe Gwen Avocado as a companion for my heirloom and fresh italian cheese salad (I use mozzarella, but burrata would work too). In England we call it s 'Tricolore' but in the US everyone just laughs at the idea? Avocados are no trouble at all although they can be a bit slippery, but at least they don't need to be cooked, nor do you have to defrost them.

I made little bacon and filet mignon pies but fred said they werent saucy enough. At least there were no tears. Next time he can take me out for dinner. Ok - I haven't finished my wine yet but I am in the process. Meet you in 'sousedom' shortly...

[Joy]

I don't know whether to laugh because you are so funny, or cry because I have been as frustrated as that on more than one occasion. PLEASE tell me what happens with the fishmonger!

[Tea]

While I am sorry to hear of your night of crustacean frustration, I got quite the laugh out of this one (I'm laughing with you, Cat, not at you, really). I think we've all been there at one point or another--but not everyone can relate the experience with so much skill and humor. Thanks for sharing!

[Robyn]

Hilarious! (the post, not your predicament). So - did you rain down a world of pain on the fishmonger?

[Fatemeh]

Go kick that "fishmonger"'s arse, girl! There's NO excuse for shamefully bad lobster. Just none.

And Sam, I A-D-O-R-E those Gwen avocados. I'm waiting with baited breath until they come back in season. Never thought about putting them with tomatoes and burrata, though. Good thing their seasons overlap by a few weeks!

[Becky]

Brilliant - but oh 'fie' I have come here looking for advice on how to cook my frozen lobsters which are sitting downstairs in my fridge thawing as I type, and the only problem is my lobsters ARE pre-cooked before freezing (apparantly) and I'm desperate to know how long to _warm_ them, yet can't find a website to tell me.

This dinner is obviously going to be a disaster. Ha, ha, ha! I shall keep the take-away menus handy in reserve.

Thanks for the pre-warning. :o)

[Marlene]

What a hoot! But oh so true - thanks for the tip on a good cheese-heading for Whole Foods NOW!