Open Letter to United Airlines

Dear United Airlines,

Never ever ever ever use the words "emergency" and "landing" next to each other in a sentence IF IT ISN'T A TRUE FUCKING EMERGENCY! And if it really is an emergency, a little bit of information would be nice. Especially for the hysterical woman in 14B who is CLEARLY LOSING HER SHIT AND AFRAID SHE'S GOING TO DIE LIKE SHE ALWAYS KNEW SHE WOULD, IN A FLAMING PLANE HURLING TOWARDS THE WATER'S EDGE.

Incorrect Example Please ensure all your carry-ons are properly stowed beneath the seat in front of you in case of an EMERGENCY LANDING. Please also check for your neighbors, in case they are asleep, since it is TOO DANGEROUS for the flight attendants to be up and about the cabin at this time. {silence until the end of the flight}

Correct Example #1 -- non-emergency Please ensure all your carry-ons are properly stowed beneath the seat in front of you in preparation for landing.

Correct Example #2 -- emergency This is your pilot speaking. Unfortunately, we seem to have a small problem with the [plane part name goes here]. It's nothing to worry about -- in fact, I myself have landed planes with this problem 4800 times in my career. (Cue chuckle.) Call us Nervous Nellies if you want, but airline policy stipulates that anytime a miniscule and practically inconsequential problem of this nature arises, we must prepare the cabin for an emergency landing. Don't worry, we are not going to make an emergency landing and there is not even any need to adopt the crouch posture, but we do have to follow the rules. Flight attendants will be passing through the cabin shortly to ensure all carry-ons are properly stowed. They will also hand out bourbon or Xanax, your choice; crack light-hearted jokes to set the mood; and offer back rubs to help you relax. They will also be happy to move your neighbor to the jump seat and sit next to you, holding your hand and singing your favorite songs, if anyone is super duper scared. Thanks for your patience, and we'll be on the ground shortly.

Sincerely,

The Woman in Seat 14B

Comments

[mom]

Right on!!! After gouging you in the pocketbook for a sardine-sized seat, NOT feeding you anything except one bite of pretzel & half a can of something wet, leaving you on the runway for an hour or more while they "file the proper paperwork with flight control" (?????!!!!!), & then taking you back to the gate to deplane so you can be sure to miss your connection, the very LEAST they could do is NOT scare the shit out of you for no reason! There--I feel better!

[Stephanie]

Oh my god, Catherine!

What the hell? How can they be so stupid, knowing they could have a plane full of people throwing up from fear (that would have been my reaction)?!

This is awful! I'm glad we managed to convince you to drink a little bit last night to take the edge off.

[Tiffany]

Oh my gosh. I know this was traumatic, and as soon as I stop peeing my pants from laughing so hard, I am going to focus on being really, really sympathetic.

I reeeeeeally think you need to send this letter. Truly. It's an important message, and I'm sure you speak for everyone.

Wow.